This post originally appeared on gaynz.com in 2012.
Three years ago today my phone rang.
It was one of the Exclusive Brethren priests.
It was his duty, he said, to inform me that the Brethren had “sorrowfully decided they had no option but to accept my decision not to continue in the holy fellowship”. From that day forward, I would officially no longer be considered a member of the Exclusive Brethren Church. I had been “withdrawn from” – the final stage of excommunication.
The first stage of excommunication from the Brethren is when a person is “confined”. When someone is caught sinning – in my case,
coming out as gay – they are visited by the priests. If the sinner is unrepentant they are “confined”, or “shut up”. Being “confined” is a period of enforced isolation during which the sinner thinks about the error of their ways. They are not permitted to attend church meetings, they may not socialise with other members of the church, and their own family must shun them.
The purpose of this isolation is to give that person a taste of what leaving the church would be like. Often this temporary rejection by friends and family is enough to frighten young people into repenting. The isolation will continue until they are no longer deemed to be at risk of being a bad influence within the church. It can sometimes go on for more than a year before the priests are satisfied the sinner has suitably repented of their ways. The person is stuck in limbo, unable to talk to anyone from the church, yet also unable to talk to anyone outside the church if they are to have any hope of returning. Their only human interaction is with the priests, who browbeat them till they say the right things.
The second stage of excommunication is being “withdrawn from”. Being withdrawn from is when the priests decide the sinner is beyond redemption, and must be permanently expelled from the church. This step is usually taken if a person continues to be unrepentant during the initial period of isolation. It is a serious business. A special assembly is called, which all members of the church attend. The priests announce that with regard to the case of so-and-so, serious matters have arisen and it is felt the only way forward is for the assembly to declare itself and “withdraw” from the person concerned. A muted chorus runs round the room as everyone says “amen”. Once the “amen” has been uttered, it’s official. The person is no longer a member of the Exclusive Brethren.
Once that person is withdrawn from, members of the Exclusive Brethren Church are instructed not to talk about them. They may never set foot in Brethren homes, and speaking to them is forbidden. It as though they have died. All photos of them are removed from the walls, their name is removed from all directories, and they will never be discussed in public again. Any mention of them will be restricted to muted whispers about how terrible it is that they lost their way.
For me, being withdrawn from was a moot point. I had long since made up my mind that I was leaving the church, had already lost everyone I knew during the first stage of excommunication, and had already been thrown out of home by my parents. I had begun the process of moving on with my life, and no longer considered myself a member of the church.
Yet something didn’t feel right. The Exclusive Brethren still hadn’t officially excommunicated me, and I found that irritating. It was as though they still had power over me, and I didn’t feel I had truly left until it was officially acknowledged. It seems illogical, but having the church take that final step in some way validated my ability to move on with my life.
It was the burning of the final bridge.
Since then, I have never looked back. My life has gone from strength to strength, and with each year that passes I feel happier and more content with where I am. I know that standing up to the church was the right decision.
I have always wondered, however, why they chose to withdraw from me on October 31st.
Happy Halloween…
Diary of a Brethren Boy 
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